Ritual Instincts

I miss the ritual. I miss everything that goes with it. One of my friends told me recently that it's good to mix things up, take a different root,reverse order. It helps to put off senility. I'm not sure if that's possible in my case.

Last week I sitting here reading and a thought passed through my mind. I rose off my couch, walked toward the back of my apartment, toward the bathroom and as I got there I didn't know why I was there.. I stood there trying to remember what I walked back there for, what I went back there to do. I couldn't remember. I stood there and had a blank thought, a space, a void in my mind. That's not the first time that's happened either. How much if any of this is attributed to past behavior?

Everytime I stuck a needle in my arm there was this hypnotic fascination that was as big a part of getting off as getting high was. It was the whole ritual of being a junkie. When you get off it's important to make sure you hit a vein and not skin pop so when you tap the point in you pull back the plunger gently. If successful there's a lovely red swirl that comes into your works. Every single time. The blood comes in slowly and suddenly it does a loop, it flips, circles back on itself. I swear watching the blood and water mix was as sexy as any other way to get yourself off.

All I could think about was stopping and for 7 years I couldn't. I'm not sure why I can actually think back on those days with a curiosity, a longing when all it did was make my life miserable. There was a particular pleasure to being so sick, so dope sick. I can't describe it exactly but when you are walking with your dope in your hand the withdrawal seems to go into a different dimension because you know in a minute it's all over. Feeling so fucking horrible and instantly feeling fine. This I remember with a reservation that maybe one day I may find myself in the game again. I really miss the ritual. I miss being dope sick and looking. How fucked up is that?